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literature by winkie77

II by AyeAye12

Free Literature. by xUnfortunate-Soulsx


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August 18, 2013
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The total darkness blinks in a shower of sparks from the failing electrical lines and boxes on top of suspicious wooden poles. Suspicious indeed, because one of them falls over and a battle begins.


She is as shaky as the caricature of the shanty town this takes place in, shaky as long-term decisions, and the metal sheets her back is pressed against. Sometimes things catch moonlight and fire, and they glint off the metal. That’s where she sees blood fountain out of throats, bulky human forms falling into dirty water and others stepping over them. (These things can’t last very long.)


Something explodes a couple feet beside her - a foot and eight inches, she roughly calculates,  she flinches. One ear doesn’t seem to work anymore and a ringing headache settles into the action. She’s not going anywhere (but maybe she’s rethinking).


A funny turn of events mocks her situation and gives her a gun, somewhere in the shadows, and all she has to do is grab it and shoot some motherfuckers but is she going to do it or not?


She lunges forward, only to be knocked over.


This is surreal. About as real as the wings that sprout from her back. She’s on a cloud now. Quite literally, and she’s flying without a string on her back, the sky is a bit white, and this seems to be a place she knows.


Her fingers graze clouds. They snatch and place it in her mouth. Clouds do taste like candy floss. Or cotton candy? With a hint of polystyrene. Marshmallow cotton candy floss with a taste of polystyrene? She doesn’t really remember and she can’t really think right now, so. And she can’t hear in one ear. Right, the explosion.


Her hand finds the gun and by some accident, the masked shape on top of her has a hole through its neck. Good caliber gun, then.


Good sweets, too. Does rain taste like anything, maybe? Fog? Hail?


Searing brightness fills her eyelids for a second and blacks out, leaving blurry spots in her head. Someone else scrambles into her hidey-hole. The gun shoots itself.


Or was that the sound of a comet flashing by? Do comets make sounds? Space doesn’t have sound. She’s still in Earth’s atmosphere, isn’t she? But where is she?


She’s in the space shuttle. She’s feeling a bit light-hearted, literally, because the damn thing is crashing and she can’t fix anything that happens in her life, catching on fire like a fucking comet and she and everyone else is coming down with it. To be honest, what she regrets most right now is becoming an astronaut in the first place, not because the oxygen tank is out of reach and the air pressure is rising in the cabin, but because she never got to enjoy her self. Honestly, she just wanted to work with the media, was that too much to ask?


A gunshot rings out and she kind of suspects she, too, has just sustained a hole through her  clavicles or bashed through her cheekbones and nose, where it would kill her soon as its fragments fell into her brain or whatever. She kind of forgot how these things work, forgot any meaning of the lectures whatsoever. Space dementia. Oh, but the bullet never hit face. Her hair turned blew off her head beside her. A bit of a misleading phrase right now, but she really doesn’t know what’s going on. She never really liked that part of her mother, being so misleading. Stars and planets could be misleading, too, but never like her mother.


She feels like she’s falling into the stars, but she knows she only has a minute or so of consciousness before she loses consciousness forever a couple minutes later. Forever and blackness beyond.


Why don’t you kill me now? You make me want to do. Why do I destroy myself for you?


That summer at the...


Things drag at the eyelids, oh how they want to pop. Right, air pressure, too. And she’ll die in three,

two,

one.


One more millisecond moment, and she stops existing forever. Nothing is afterward. She’s falling in a black hole, Sagittarius A or some other bloody bastard in the galaxies, or the hole that’s opened in her stomach, gaping bright red from arterial blood and melting into the fire of the berserk shuttle.


And nothing. This shouldn’t carry on so long. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.


Nothing shouldn’t be here. Or rather, nothing should be here. Why is it here?


Why are there words against white, a strange consciousness in the unconsciousness (like lost radio transmissions)?


There is no afterlife


You die in black holes


Then what is this?

… ? space dementia … ? stars in her eyes, she has stars in her eyes and her fourth grade teacher scolded her for lack of punctuation, capitalization... She was certain she left the food on the table, certain. Why did no one else believe her? Certainly.
Based on the prompt 'space dementia'. Open to interpretation. ^_^

Please critique, no matter how long or short. Or just leave a comment.
Some questions you can answer:
- Was it too confusing? It's supposed to be confusing, but does is it annoying or too unclear?
- How were the brief action sequences?
- What mood did you get from it?
- How do you interpret the piece? It can be as vague or gut-feeling as you like.

For the Written Revolution: comments.deviantart.com/1/3688…
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-02-11
innercartwheel takes readers on an intense ride in Space Dementia. ( Suggested by DeriveAnemone and Featured by neurotype )
:iconwingdiamond:
WingDiamond Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2014
:iconrenhoekplz::iconsaysplz: SPACE MADDNESS! 
Reply
:iconhong-kong-kitty:
Hong-Kong-Kitty Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

Congratulations on your Daily Deviation!

Honestly, I felt strangely peaceful after reading it. As if I really had died and left the earth and all existence.

For that I praise your skills as a writer as well!

Reply
:icondreamforecast:
DreamForecast Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2014  Student General Artist
Yeah, totally the feels!
Reply
:icontruthistruth:
TruthisTruth Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations on the Daily Deviation! :clap:
Reply
:iconceltic-lily:
Celtic-Lily Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014
It was confusing, but in a good way, a way that makes you stop and think about all the interpretations. The action was just as chaotic and fast-paced as I imagine it would be in real life- it felt much more realistic than the type with calm, collected heroes doing cool, heroic and utterly impossible stunts. Not entirely sure what mood I got from it- a mixture of the adrenalin and confusion of battle, regret, fear, bitter resignation, and a dream-like daze, I think. Depends which part.
Interpretation... well. It could be about the mind trying to deal with the trauma of fighting, killing, and fatal injury by escaping into confused imagination and memories. That's the interpretation I prefer, I think. Then again, of course, there are other interpretations- An astronaut floating in and out of consciousness as she dies, for example. Or perhaps the entire thing is after death, and it is all just a strange mixture of unrelated thoughts and memories as whatever remains of her consciousness flickers through the only things it knows?
Generally, I thought it was fantastic :)
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :party:
Reply
:iconrafun1312:
rafun1312 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
At the part of "Clouds do taste like candy floss. Or cotton candy? With a hint of polystyrene" I was totally convinced that she propably survived whatever hell she went through, and is in some sort of medical care, probably under some sort of medication. At that point, the whole thing made sense to me - maybe more sense than you actually intended. It's still what I interpret into the piece, especially with her not dying at the end, even when she expects to. After reading it a second time I wanted there to be some hint in the end whether my interpretion is right or wrong, but after a third reading I'm not actually sure anymore. It is confusing, and a little annoying, especially at the end when there's no solution to the puzzle, but because it's puzzling, it's also fascinating... 
I very much liked the action parts, the imagry there, the dream-like quality they have.
Reply
:iconrobson666:
robson666 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist
congratulations to the well deserved Daily Deviation Clap
Reply
:iconderiveanemone:
DeriveAnemone Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I.. wow. I haven't read anything as gripping as this in a long while. It's the sort of piece which blows your mind and completely disorientates you and makes it incredibly difficult to try to describe what you have just felt.

- No. It's confusing, but in a good way. The style works brilliantly.
- Fast-paced and exciting.
- The mood felt really panicky and filled with adrenaline but also surprisingly calm at times, like when you're so freaked out you don't even feel anything.
- I interpreted it as being about an astronaut dying in space and sort of seeing her life flash before her eyes.
Reply
:iconrieal-dragonsbane:
Rieal-Dragonsbane Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

I found the start disorientating and difficult to get into. Maybe you could have a start that eases the reader into the situation before going into the space dementia. There are many interesting images there, but I haven't worked out how they connect together.

My favourite line of this piece was Her hand finds the gun and by some accident, the masked shape on top of her has a hole through its neck.' The style of the sentence is as surreal as the rest of the story, but it's still clear what happened. Knowing what happened made me appreciate and enjoy the way you told it. But I wish I knew why these action sequences were happening.

The lack of reason for the action leads me to believe this is a vignette rather than a story. Is that what you intended? I'm not sure how to interpret it. At first I thought the main character was escaping a conflict, and then I thought she was trapped in one while falling to her death and then I wasn't sure if the conflict was real or hallucinated. I've just read the other comments, and it looks like not everyone was as confused as I was, so it may just be that I'm not the right audience for your piece ( ^^; ), but I'll leave the critique here in the hope that it'll be useful.
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:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2013  Student General Artist
Again, as I have said before, I may have to edit it to be less confusing - or not. I will have to think that over. It is a vignette, so there isn't a definite storyline. Thank you for reading. ^-^
Reply
:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013   Writer
Hey, i featured this here: fav.me/d6k74dp :D
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2013   Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

Hi, i liked this piece and i think you have some good description, for example here: "That’s where she sees blood fountain out of throats, bulky human forms falling into dirty water and others stepping  over them." The description here actually made me cringe. 

That said, towards the end it just got so confusing. I just didn't really know what was going on. I suppose this is the dementia bit, and i guess that if you're trying to show us what it's like to have it, you've done it well, but i didn't really like how confusing it was.

The action sequences were fine but i was a bit confused by them because it was so jumpy, but the actual writing was sound.

The mood was... i don't even know. I'm just confused. Confused?

I interpretted it as snippets of someones life flashing before their eyes. 

Overall, it's a neat piece, confusing, but i still like it :)
Reply
:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2013  Student General Artist
Thanks! Confusing is good, I guess, but maybe I'll revise it to make some parts a bit clearer. Thanks VERY MUCH for the opinions, they're very helpful.
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:iconelizabeth-r-12345:
Elizabeth-R-12345 Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. That was brilliant~

- Was it too confusing? It's supposed to be confusing, but does is it annoying or too unclear?
Confusing? Definitely. Too confusing? It might have been bordering on it, but no, not to the point of being annoying or too unclear. This is the type of writing I love; subtly vague, in a sense, whimsically lyrical, based on interpretations, it can grow and become something different entirely to what was intended (by the author, that is.) 

- How were the brief action sequences?
I think they were fine. Not too overbearing, not too under bearing. They helped set a mood, and while I might not be able to describe it with such lovely words like you displayed above, they were as close to perfect as anything can get (I don't really believe in perfect, as of lately; please don't take this as an insult.)

- What mood did you get from it?
Oddly enough, I felt like I was reading a few pages from a book written by Dean Koontz. Have you ever heard of him? He writes, or wrote, under a few pseudonyms; "David Axton", "Leigh Nichols" and "Brian Coffey". His writing genre is normally, and broadly labeled, as suspense thrillers, although all the books by him I've read were more in the horror, science fiction, and mystery category. I know saying this reminds me of another book, and another author's writing completely, isn't very kind or helpful, but that is the only way I can describe the mood, other than by saying I got a very, yet again, subtly vague, jumbled, muddled feeling of sorts. I was reminded of falling and not knowing which way was up or down.

- How do you interpret the piece? It can be as vague or gut-feeling as you like.
I interpret the majority of this piece as sort of 'your life flashing before your eyes' as you are about to die. The parts about 'Marshmallow cotton candy floss with a taste of polystyrene' really makes me think that, as well as the closing paragraph, just as the action sequences make me think that. I guess you could say that's both a vague interpretation (I like the word vague, it would seem) and a gut-feeling.

Overall, great job~! I really dig this. It's different, unique, and confusing as heck, but that's what makes me so fond of it (sorry for the long review/critique thing :)

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:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2013  Student General Artist

Wow, thanks for the very in-depth critique and the compliment! As for Dean Koontz, I've never read any of his writing, but it's interesting that you say my writing sounds like his. Do you have any suggestions of which books of his I should read? Because I think I will. Thanks, this is a very helpful review, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it. ^_^ :lardgrinn: 

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:iconelizabeth-r-12345:
Elizabeth-R-12345 Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It was my pleasure~ 
I read A Door Away from Heaven-which I thought was good, but weird; there's Mickey who meets a crippled girl named Leilani Klonk with a brother who was taken into the woods by her shady, truly evil step dad, and never came back (long story short, it's basically about aliens, struggles of an impaired girl, struggles of a recovering young woman, twins, and how they all meet)- Relentless, about a family with a child and a dog able to teleport, running from a psycho-killing book critic with horrible syntax, and Mr. Murder, about a man with an eerily vivid imagination who packs up his family and starts running from someone claiming to be him, who is threatening him. Someone suggested Fear Nothing to me but I never did get around to reading it. Please excuse my crappy synopsis's, I tried, but if you get around to reading any of those, I hope you enjoy them. They're kind of different.
You're welcome~! This is a very wonderful piece of work :)
Reply
:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2013  Student General Artist
Thanks for the recommendations! I'll get reading whichever one I can get my hands on first, which may or may not take a while.
Reply
:iconelizabeth-r-12345:
Elizabeth-R-12345 Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Sure thing~! I hope you enjoy it.
Reply
:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013  Student General Artist
I'm convinced I will. :)
Reply
:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2013  Student General Artist
Update: I've gotten two of his books: The Eyes of Darkness and Frankenstein: Lost Souls at some thrifty book place. I'll start reading them soon!
Reply
:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student Writer
Hello! :iconbluetardwaveplz: I got here from :iconthewrittenrevolution:, and I'll do my best to give you some feedback.

- Was it too confusing? It's supposed to be confusing, but does is it annoying or too unclear?
Yes, it was confusing, but not necessarily in the negative sense of the word. I feel like it needs to be to truly capture the essence of 'space dementia,' so I think it suited your piece well. :)

- How were the brief action sequences?
They felt dreamy. It kind of reminded me of that strange feeling you get when you're really sick and delirious, when you know something's going on around you but you can't quite focus on it.

- What mood did you get from it?
Regret. I wish I could give you a reason, but it's quite hard to explain.

- How do you interpret the piece? It can be as vague or gut-feeling as you like.
Personally I thought there was never any real fight, and that everything you described were the visions her dying brain conjured up as she passed away by lack of oxygen.

My favorite line was this, by the way:
Stars and planets could be misleading, too, but never like her mother.

Hopefully I have made you a happy blobfish now! :aww:
Reply
:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you very much for the feedback, much appreciated. I'm glad you 'got' the story. I am a happy blobfish, indeed!
Reply
:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student Writer
You're very welcome! :dance:
Reply
:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student General Artist
Meow :3 
Reply
:icondreamforecast:
DreamForecast Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student General Artist
You done good, buddy.  I like this one a lot.
- It's confusing ... But just enough.
- They were fine.  I prefer these over the action scenes really heavy on sensing.  I like this style.
- I got blobfished.
- I already told you.  haha. 
Reply
:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student General Artist

blob blob blorg blowrh blorahhhhhhhhh blobfish

:iconlazydanceplz:

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:iconsteppenfreak:
steppenfreak Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, I really liked this (I mean you pretty much had me at 'shaky as long term decisions'). It is confusing but in a sort of surreal and intriguing way. It feels like the narrator's world is shifting around and that maybe she doesn't have a solid grip on reality. Everything is uncertain and violent, which maybe reflects her own state of mind.

I thought the imagery throughout the piece was fantastic. It builds up pretty vivid images even of unreal things (such as floating through the clouds) and then it contributes to the overall confusion of the piece by completely subverting your expectations of those images.

The mood I felt from this piece was one of panic and peace and a sort of perseverance. In terms of interpretation, I sort of constructed a plot as I read through but I think it's so surreal that it's not a particularly coherent plot (which I think works better for the piece). For me, the story started in perhaps a riot or something similar, and she is unused to violence or fighting, and maybe she gets knocked out (hence the clouds) and then we learn that actually she's in a spacecraft. Something is going wrong. I can't decide on what I want the ending to be; maybe she dies and the last thing she remembers is a childhood memory, or maybe things aren't as desperate as they seem. I don't think there's a way of knowing for sure, and I really like that about this piece.
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:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student General Artist

Thank you so much for the feedback and interpretation. I tried to make it as atmospheric as possible, and I'm glad you got it.

Also, thanks for the favorite. It's good that you liked it!

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